As I suspected might happen, my vacation from the computer has left me wary. We got back Saturday night. Sunday I just luxuriated in being home, having a husband/papa, and not feeling edgy every time my kids fussed. It was bliss. By Monday morning I was all geared up for a splurgy computer blow out, I thought. Excited to read all of y’alls blog accumulation, and even get started on scribing down the Epic Saga that was our trip.
It didn’t take my little blogland fantasy long to get squashed. About 5 minutes in, when both kids started fussing, I remembered. Maybe I had just woken up on the wrong side of the bed. But my whole day got a sour start, and it wasn’t anyone’s fault really but my own. And this damn screen.
It’s the way it makes me into a junkie. I’m always looking for a way to sneak off and get high, and when I don’t get my fix I’m bitchy.
It’s not okay.
Being away–clean for three weeks– then delving for a moment back into it was the clarity I needed. I was a pretty great mama for those three weeks, if I do say so myself. I had some breakdowns, don’t get me wrong, but considering the circumstances, I was remarkably patient and compassionate. When my MamaRage rushed back in, second day home, I had to stop and think.
Partly I had been holding it all in, because true emotional response was not really an option on our trip. Somebody had to keep their shit together, and since I was 29 years the senior, I figured it had better be me.
But at least as important was the fact that I had accepted and submitted. I knew what I had to do, I knew there wouldn’t be time for Me. I was mentally and emotionally prepared for the task at hand. Once back home however, I went right back to thinking I ought to get something. It’s only fair.
We’ve been over this. It’s not that I don’t think mama’s should take time/energy for themselves. But I can tell you that this internet/blog world sucks my time up at an alarming rate. If I have an hour to myself, and I use to sniff blogs, my hour’s up in a blink and all I want is moremoremore.
The past few days I have instead read and tinkered in my precious morning time, and I feel so much more restored. 30 minutes of reading feels like a lot. 30 minutes of blogging feels like nothing.
Fear not. I am not swearing you off for all and always. I do truly enjoy writing and sharing with all you fabulous ladies (and winsome fellows), and I hope to keep it up. Maybe at a once every week or two rate. I think if I have a specific day that I am allowed to blog, I can keep myself in check.
We shall see.
The trip was great by the way, if ever so challenging. What a crazy bunch of work and stress, I’ll tell you about someday.
But for now– I need a vacation.