Here, But Gone

As I suspected might happen, my vacation from the computer has left me wary. We got back Saturday night. Sunday I just luxuriated in being home, having a husband/papa, and not feeling edgy every time my kids fussed. It was bliss. By Monday morning I was all geared up for a splurgy computer blow out, I thought. Excited to read all of y’alls blog accumulation, and even get started on scribing down the Epic Saga that was our trip.

It didn’t take my little blogland fantasy long to get squashed. About 5 minutes in, when both kids started fussing, I remembered. Maybe I had just woken up on the wrong side of the bed. But my whole day got a sour start, and it wasn’t anyone’s fault really but my own. And this damn screen.

It’s the way it makes me into a junkie. I’m always looking for a way to sneak off and get high, and when I don’t get my fix I’m bitchy.

It’s not okay.

Being away–clean for three weeks– then delving for a moment back into it was the clarity I needed. I was a pretty great mama for those three weeks, if I do say so myself. I had some breakdowns, don’t get me wrong, but considering the circumstances, I was remarkably patient and compassionate. When my MamaRage rushed back in, second day home, I had to stop and think.

Partly I had been holding it all in, because true emotional response was not really an option on our trip. Somebody had to keep their shit together, and since I was 29 years the senior, I figured it had better be me.

But at least as important was the fact that I had accepted and submitted. I knew what I had to do, I knew there wouldn’t be time for Me. I was mentally and emotionally prepared for the task at hand. Once back home however, I went right back to thinking I ought to get something. It’s only fair.

We’ve been over this. It’s not that I don’t think mama’s should take time/energy for themselves. But I can tell you that this internet/blog world sucks my time up at an alarming rate. If I have an hour to myself, and I use to sniff blogs, my hour’s up in a blink and all I want is moremoremore.

The past few days I have instead read and tinkered in my precious morning time, and I feel so much more restored. 30 minutes of reading feels like a lot. 30 minutes of blogging feels like nothing.

Fear not. I am not swearing you off for all and always. I do truly enjoy writing and sharing with all you fabulous ladies (and winsome fellows), and I hope to keep it up. Maybe at a once every week or two rate. I think if I have a specific day that I am allowed to blog, I can keep myself in check.

We shall see.

The trip was great by the way, if ever so challenging. What a crazy bunch of work and stress, I’ll tell you about someday.

But for now– I need a vacation.

8 thoughts on “Here, But Gone

  1. Hey there. I say ‘amen’ to everything you’ve just written. It can be really tough to figure out when a bit of ‘me time’ is essential and when it is actually counter-productive. I’ve just conducted a little experiment in our house and decided to ban TV viewing during week days. GULP. ‘TV time’ was how I was getting blogging time (as I no longer get any time without at least one kid up and about). So instead of TV I’ve been… yep… parenting! Mindful and present and everything! (we were racking up about 3 hours a day recently! I could always think of valid reasons to leave it on for ‘just a few more minutes’ so that I could ‘get things done’. HA).

    And do you know what? I don’t resent it like I thought I would. I actually feel a heap better in myself, and less like I ‘need my personal time’. And the kids have gotten over it and are having a ball and suddenly developing creative talents and reading books and freaking me out.

    Naturally, I haven’t been blogging or creating as much. But I am trying to do that more in the evening, not during the day. And so what if I only post once a week or less? Or only make something every two weeks? (Your apron is still on the back burner – sorry! But I haven’t forgotten). It’s not like people are going to die for lack of my inane drivel. And as long as I’m still thinking, reading, planning, formulating, creating, re-thinking, baking… then I’m feeling good.

    Here’s the other thing. My Beloved can see that I’m working my ass off with the kids during the day, and as a result is even more willing that usual to carve me out some creative time. Right now he’s taken the morning off work (PhD, so flexible) and whisked the kids off to a playgroup. He’s always been pretty good with that, but I’m feeling less guilty about it than before because actually, I also know I’ve been doing the mama thing with all my might.

    Anyway, what the heck am I doing on the computer? To the sewing machine!!

    PS I am glad to see you back though.

  2. Good idea. That is what I am doing at the moment too (except for a momentary lapse to blog about The Story of Cosmetics). I still like to peruse other people’s blogs (if they all took breaks, I’d find other interesting snippets somewhere else) & comment on some, but generally, being away from blogland and the laptop, has been a good thing for me. Like you, I find I can get sucked in, then get crabby if someone interupts me when I am trying to just get a blog post finished… not good.

    Yes, the garden is calling me now!!

  3. Hey CJ,

    You are a natural born blogger. Nothing wrong with cutting back, but please don’t stop altogether – its part of who you are. Even though you are a Mama (and a great one at that :) you are also you, and you have to nourish your own self and interests too.

  4. CeeeeeJaaaaay! Dammit, I missed your early morning (well, it was always early morning here) one-way conversation! So good to see you back! But dammit woman, I was sooo hoping you would continue to neglect the kiddo’s and nourish my need to read selfishily…but no.

    And it’s kinda funny, maybe cos we’re all halfway through the season or something, but I’m another who’s been taking a break from the computer, and another who’s been a much better mother because of it. I’ve had the kiddo’s happy, dressed, ready for their day most of the time, and if they weren’t then I was and that was still good. I save my knitting and sewing for night time and in the morning there isn’t time to blog.

    So I’m getting a white board put up on the tower of the pc, because that way it’s like having a shopping list. I can turn the computer on when there really ARE jobs to be done and that’s about it. I mean, that’s what I got it for, right?!

    Glad you’re back, and glad you’re going away again. We do not need a strung out junkie as the leader of the next home grown revolution, we need a clear-headed, straight talkin’ mama who’ll stand up for us all and not sit on her ass on the computer chair!


  5. Sending you some “I getcha” hugs all the way from Central Oz. Great to see your name pop up again but even better to read you’re finding more time for you and yours. Anyhow, just wanted to say hi whilst I have a millisecond spare … gotta go do the damn dishes now (because the bloody fairies have gone on strike damn them them!). Hooroo for now – Katj

  6. you were, and are, missed — but I totally get it! sometimes just surrendering to the flow of the day with the kiddos is really the easiest way to live. they’ll be big so soon anyway. still hoping to see some posts in my inbox whenever you’re feeling up for it though!

    take care!

  7. hey lady. glad yer taking some time for yerself – miss yer words though. and *thank you* for the love you left over at ‘adventures’ – just the sweetness i needed on a rough day.
    sending you faeries made of minutes and hours…

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