Who’s Addicted?

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned the abhorrent sloth of our latest kid movie-watching binge. It was bad around here for a couple of weeks. The 2yo would wake from sleep crying for Dora. I swear there is some kind of actual crack in that show. Remember how light is supposed to be both particle and wave? I’m convinced that somehow the makers of Dora got the particle part to be crack particles. They radiate out with the vibrating spectrum of colors, straight into your child’s bloodstream. Highly disturbing. Highly effective. Especially, it turns out, on 2 year olds.

But more disturbing is what happens to a harried mama when she is given whole hours, relatively uninterrupted, day after day. I sat on the couch and read. I drank tea. I stared into space when I felt like it, peace marred only by the faint bounce of cartoon voices in the background. I hung laundry. I weeded my garden, not in the heat of naptime mid-day, but in the pleasant morning, after a leisurely cup of coffee.

I had forgotten.

Do you remember? Do you remember the distinct luxury of doing what you wanted to do, when you wanted to do it? That my friends, is some addictive shit.

As the days wore on, and the initial Dora-bender began to ebb, I found myself crashing hardest. ‘Fuck. I have to get up, yank my wastedly tired body out of bed, and right off the bat start mothering? Are you kidding me? How can this work?’ After two weeks of part-time digital childcare, I had lost the ability to mother for more than an hour or two at a time. Or rather, the ability was probably still there, but the expectation of that as normal was gone.

Then the inevitable set in. Movie-watching as crack can only last so long for healthy children in even moderately interesting environments. After a couple of weeks, the 2yo began to get bored of Dora. And subsequently Diego. (The 4yo, for what it’s worth, had been watching more than her share of movies too, but had not gotten the junkie eyes. Different stages of development, I guess.) After two or three depraved weeks, the little atrophied muscles finally rebelled. Earnest sibling fights began. Movie watching became as hard to referee as anything else.

When one day I actually yelled (yelled!) at the 2yo to go watch his movie, I finally woke from the reverie. Time for an intervention.

Here’s the good news, for any of you who may find yourself in a similar situation. So long as you let them run their course, kid movie-watching binges are not as hard to break as they might seem.

CJ’s Six Step Program for Digital Addiction in Children

Step 1: Accept that you as the parent are about to lose any and all ‘you-time.’ Don’t worry, you’ll get some back, later.

Step 2: Watch for the right moment. I have a friend who managed to pull her kids off the movies mid-bender, but with my two little firecrackers, forceful parenting almost never works. Instead, I wait for a natural wane in the fervor. In my experience, it will come after a couple of weeks.

Step 3: Offer alternatives. Not half-hearted bullshit like “Wouldn’t you rather color?” but something that actually excites them. This is a good time to become manically social, if your kids are into it that is (mine are). Unearth any hidden toy boxes, or pick up some new junk from the local thrift. Also, although this could backfire, certain food bribes can work so long as they are out of the house. For example, walking to the ice cream shop.

Step 4: Be patient. It takes a couple of weeks to get back into regular life. At first they will be excited to go visit friends but as soon as they get home, they’ll want to turn on the tube. They’ve forgotten how to play in a room with a screen. Like any addict, they have to re-learn, and disassociate certain activities. Yes, you can drink a cup of coffee without a cigarette, but it takes awhile to get used to. Thank fuck kids are so much more flexible than grown-ups.

Step 5: If your kids are as feisty as mine, nix any commentary about the process. At the beginning of this particular movie weaning, I made the mistake of mentioning the upcoming effort to my 4yo. I thought maybe she was old enough to participate. We’d sunk so low, I thought maybe even she would have noticed how it affected us all negatively, and we could tackle it together. She was in a good mood. I figured I’d give it a whirl.  She was horrified and threw a fit on the spot. “I don’t want to watch less movies!” she wailed, while I kicked myself repeatedly in the shins. I never mentioned it again, and thank god she seemed to forget the conversation. But we have had plenty of other experiences where my attempts to include her in my parenting agenda backfired in a big way.

Step 6: Determine your comfort level. I’ve talked this through before, but just so we’re clear, I’m not proposing no movies at all. I have a few friends who manage that, and I adore and admire them. But for most kids, an hour or two a day seems to be pretty innocuous. I feel like as long as the rest of their day is full of goodness, and mama gets the break she needs to maintain sanity, it’s a positive equation.

I’ll be straight with you, we’re still occasionally doing three hours a day here at Camp Apron Stringz. I’m not proud of that, but it’s true, so there it is.

Lastly, don’t underestimate your own addiction to their movie-watching. Modern, full-time parenting is some crazy hard shit. No grandparents next door to offer relief. The ingrown expectation that we are supposed to continue our adult lives at the same rate of productivity. It’s no wonder we are blinded by the mere possibility of a few hours of kid-less time. The idea is addictive enough, but the reality, oh dear. If you accidentally get a few days of it like I did, wow. That’s a hard habit to break.

But you can. You will. I did.

4 thoughts on “Who’s Addicted?

  1. That step 1 is an essential in so many parenting situations — though I’m starting to wonder when that “later” actually is. Years? I hope not!

  2. I can only commiserate and say same here, quite a bit just lately. We have a house full of amazing books, (we actually have a library with a couple of thousand books in fact), a plethora of board games, toys, yet we are all really happy to be plugged in in different ways. One one level it’s easy and lazy – yes.

    But, TV watching can also be astonishingly educational in a rather random way of learning about and making sense of the world… joining up the dots. The kids will often surprise me with some fact or other that they learnt from watching something that you wouldn’t assume to be overly educational.

    I think the quality of what they watch may be more important than how much. Ads and violence (I dont mean spongebob type violence but you know, adult senseless violence) obviously suck. And the quality of what happens around the tv watching time. This week my kids have watched loads of tv but we have also been out every day this week meeting up with various friends, and we went on a really educational outing today (saturday). We have spent loads of time out in nature, the kids have been out on their bikes several times. It’s all about the other stuff as much as the tv.

    I have spent loads of time on the internet this week but equally I have spent loads of time dreaming up business stuff, reading, meeting friends in real life and meaningfully communicating online, all of which feed and nourish my heart and soul. It’s all part of being whole.

    Maybe next week we’ll be out all week and no-one will be interested that much in the tv or computers.

    It all balances itself out in the big wheel of things.

    P.S. Sorry about the lack of dirty fridge picture – been having trouble uploading pics and been suffering from a crap shoulder/neck!

  3. Dear CJ, What a way to wake up Girl! You had me laughing and crying at the same time before 5 this morning! There’s a huge smile on my face. I think of you often and pray for you. Yes, we are not far from each other I think 2 hours? Wish we were closer-I babysit my Grands as often as possible to give my daughter-in-love a break and I’m sure your kiddos would love to be in the mix. I’ll pray more specifically that you can get a break-Mother’s Morning Out? Have you met any like minded Moms in your area to swap babysitting?
    The Lord bless you CJ,
    Juanita

  4. True words here. The first step is the most important one.

    Hang in there, Mama!

    p.s. You made me smile today. And realize how far I’ve come away from our TV addiction:) Now, it’s video games for the 5 y/o, and I’m NOT talking about shooting and pilfering and learning to be a gang banger…doesn’t help that The Man is also saying, “just one more level…10 min later, I get to turn the whole thing off and be the Bad Mommy.” Sometimes “educational stuff can be too much screen time.

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